I’ve been noticing myself a lot lately. And not in the judgy way of my past. Not to say “this feeling is good, and that action is bad” but just to notice.
I often think of Baba Ram Dass, who explained his thought process when he had an angry feeling. “Oh! Anger, isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that wild? Isn’t that groovy? I’m angry!” And the questions that arise in my mind have started to sound like this:
“Why am I feeling that way about this?” (For example, “Why am I feeling angry about my meeting getting delayed?”)
And:
“Why does this action keep happening to me? What lesson am I supposed to be learning that I’m not?”
And, sometimes, to amuse myself:
“Oh! Anger, isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that groovy?”
Questions like these are more helpful than telling myself “get over it”, “stop worrying about it”, or “why are you behaving like this?!”, “why can’t you stop doing this?!” and other write-offs and angry accusations that I have tried to erase in my language to my children and husband. Questions like these have helped to facilitate personal growth in my life, and make stressful situations feel less immediate.
Lessons Not Learned
Have you ever noticed a pattern in your life that you would like to stop? Does a certain thing keep happening to you? Do you keep getting overlooked for a promotion? Are you unhappy about the way people talk to you?
Here’s what I’ve learned – if something keeps happening, the universe is telling me to wake up. In fact, there have been times I have felt like the universe is slapping me in the face. The problem is, when I’m not paying attention, I miss the signs. I get so fed up, feel like there is no hope, and yet, when I step back from the immediacy of the situation, and examine the recurrences as a whole and over time – “ohhhhhhh… THAT’S why!”
By the way, the recurrences don’t always look the same. And I don’t always get it right. But, not to worry, the universe will roundhouse kick me with it later.
Tech Check
Figuring out a lesson is why I am here, today, on this blog with the idea to cut back my digital consumption.
I feel like I am not paying attention, not to real life. Sure, I can tell you all about the new puppies on my instagram feed, or what Easter looked like in various homes. But, I’m not sure I could tell you what the weather has been like the last three days. I don’t think I can remember what my sons were telling me about last night when they came home. Because my face was in my phone, or my computer. My mind was off traveling, with my body affixed to the couch. I have become a woman distracted.
I want to be more aware of myself and of my life. I feel that currently my relationship with my phone and social media is unhealthy and needs reigned in. I haven’t determined what that is going to look like, but have decided to dedicate time today to help guide myself. And as I woke up and checked instagram, facebook, four email accounts, the daily crossword and some bubble pop game, I realized I am going to need a lot of grace along the way.
Here’s to a less “plugged in” morning tomorrow.